For those following along at home, here's what I had to do:
https://www.techrepublic.com/article/how-to-track-down-usb-flash-drive-usage-in-windows-10s-event-viewer/
especially Figure B.
I couldn't figure out why no events were registering in all the ordinary places and it turns out they get logged in a more obscure on and only if it's been enabled.
Once that was done, I un/replugged my USB monitor to create an event and then took an event entry and "assigned task" to it.
Oh and, every time the USB glitches out, it gets recognized by Nirsoft's utility as a new display so I had to put a loop in the batch file for Display3 to Display20 to move my common windows back to their preferred monitors. Bit of a pain, only because I hadn't had to do that in a batch for years and forgot how.